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An early phone call at 8:00am.
DAD: What you do? ME: I just woke up. DAD: Mom hate me. She want divorce. You give her counsel. I have cash. Fifty dolla. He’s obviously joking. John’s not in the mood. ME: What’s up? I’m tired. DAD: How business? You have customer? ME: They’re called clients. DAD: How many? ME: Why? DAD: I like to know you busy, make good business. ME: I’m busy. DAD: Get up. We go breakfast. Mommy want suh lung tang. ME: I can’t do suh lung tang. It’s too early. (Suh lung tang is a Korean soup kind of like Pho). Silence. John waits for him to change to Ihop, which he usually does, so he can score a free meal. But it never comes. DAD: Okay, next time. Click. ME: Hello?
A quick stop by home.
I pick up a package. Mom notices my wavey hair. MOM: You got perm. ME: It’s not a perm. It’s a wave. MOM: It called perm. I get every two month. ME: It’s not a perm! It’s called a body wave. She tries to touch it. ME: Don’t touch it. MOM: Look very American. ME: I am American. MOM: You Korean.
Breakfast with Mom
MOM: How’s bread? ME: Had an almond croissant yesterday and two burgers with buns, felt bad about it afterward. MOM: Huh? ME: I gotta cut the carbs. I workout too hard to be eating like that. MOM: Bread. How is bread? (beat) ME: His name’s Brad. Not bread. And why do you keep asking me how he’s doing. He’s your son. Call him. MOM: He busy. ME: I’m not going to be a kickstand. If you want to know how your son is doing, talk to your son. MOM: What is kickstand? ME: Nevermind. (beat) ME: How’s dad?
On the Phone
MOM: You like nerds? ME: What? MOM: Nerds? You like nerds? ME: Like the candy? MOM: What candy? ME: What the hell are you talking about? MOM: Dad went to hospital and found pretty nerds. ME: You mean nurse! MOM: Yes. ME: I’m not gonna go on a date with someone dad found at a hospital. MOM: She work there. She a nurse. ME: So? MOM: So she take care of you. ME: I don’t need anyone to take care of me. MOM: What if you hurt? ME: I have insurance. MOM: She want meet you. ME: You told her I was a doctor, didn’t you? Silence. ME: Mom, I am not a doctor. I am a therapist. MOM: Same thing. ME: No it’s not!
Dinner at Sizzler
ME: How’s school? (my mom takes English classes twice a week) MOM: I learn but still same thing. ME: Why is that? MOM: I no have nobody for practice. ME: What about the other students? MOM: They no speak English. ME: Well, you got me. She notices blisters on my hand. MOM: What wrong with hand? ME: Those are called calluses. They’re from working out. MOM: You look like mechanic.
On Phone with Brother
ME: Dude, I’m stronger than you. BROTHER: What? Click.
Chinese Restaurant
ME: What does my Korean name mean? MOM: Ask dad. ME: Dad, what does my Korean name mean? DAD: When you brother born, I name him Suk because Suk mean stone. I want him rise strong like stone. Then I find out I have other son. I want him be more strong so I name Chul. Mean iron. ME: So my name means iron. So I’m like iron man. Mom, you think I’ve become strong like iron? MOM: No. Complete opposite.
Dad’s Voicemail
Hi, this is KC. Leave it message. I will call back. Thank you. BEEP. ME: Dad, you don’t have to say “it”! Get rid of the “it”! Use an “a”… no forget it. Just take out the “it”. (under my breath) One step at a time.
Breakfast at Ihop
DAD: If you dream shit or fire, go buy lottery ticket. ME: Shit or fire? MOM: Shit or fire is good luck. DAD: Shit everywhere or house burn down. Very good luck. ME: I’ve never had a dream about shit or fire. DAD: That’s why you not rich. ME: What if you keep dreaming that you’re falling off things? DAD: That mean you need new mattress. 
I don’t know what’s more sad. My crooked bangs, no friends at my party, or my parents not knowing how to spell birthday. No wonder why I’m so fucked up. |
